If you are thinking about separation, your feelings can vary, ranging from, momentary thoughts of what life might be like if you were single, to the difficult, thought process of “Should I or shouldn’t I separate?” While one end of the spectrum is completely normal for many people, the other end can indicate problems in and for a relationship.
Based on my experience as a Family Lawyer, working with clients in my family law practice, I have identified 12 things that can help you gain greater clarity and be better prepared for separation.
List your most important financial questions. If you separate, will you have to get a job if you’ve been a stay-at-home-mum? If you have debt as a couple, do you understand that you may have to contribute to the debt? Maintain a running list of questions as they transpire to you.
Be mindful in whom you confide – this includes family. Few people can be truly impartial, and fewer still are Family Lawyers. You will encounter plenty of opinions and judgements. Just because your friend was burned by his former partner, does not mean that’s what’s in store for you if you choose to separate.
Evaluate your biggest fears. Do you fear you cannot “afford a separation?” Are you afraid of the impact that separation may have on the children? Writing down your fears may help you examine their validity.
Avoid venting on social media. Be mindful of where you vent and be wary of social media. If you say something online, it’s there forever and can be used against you. Same for emails and SMS messages. I always advise my clients to review what they are saying before hitting the post or send button. Ask yourself, is this message what I would want a Judge to read who was determining matters on my case?
Understand that relationships do not come with a guide. Most of us are not prepared for making a marriage or relationship work. Often it is something we learn. It’s not worth being hard on yourself. Save your energy to figure out what to do about your situation today and how you will move forward tomorrow.
List your most important legal questions. Yes, I do love making lists. Lists will assist in being organised in what can be a very unstable time in your life. Do you separate? If you were to separate, how do you go about it? Do you know the different ways you can resolve conflict? Is Mediation an option for you? How do you find a good Family Lawyer? What are your entitlements to the property pool? What do you not know about the legal process?
Create a collaborative and supportive team of professionals. An experienced Financial Advisor can help you plan for how you might pay for a divorce or advise you on what your financial situation may look like in the future. A child therapist who has counselled other parents through a separation may help you support your child. A real estate agent may advise you on your practical housing questions, such as the pros and cons of renting vs. buying if you separate, or what your house value might be. When a question comes to mind, think about who is out there and who might have the answer for you.
Set your intention. Decide how you want to conduct yourself throughout this difficult journey. Remind yourself you will have no control over your former partner, but you will try your best to control how you act and react. If you have children, ask yourself: is this the model of behaviour you want to show them?
Understand that you want to avoid Court if you can help it. The Court process is costly, time-consuming and stressful. You will have to be flexible, negotiate in good faith, and compromise on difficult issues to avoid Court.
Start collecting your financial information. If you commence property division negotiations, you will be required to disclose your finances early in the process. Begin hunting down your financial information such as bank statements, superannuation valuations, credit card statements to get a head start.
Be kind to yourself. Understand that there will be times you feel lost and wondering if you are doing the right thing. Have confidence that you have taken every chance to be thoughtful about fronting this significant life-change, and though you may not want this outcome, you have done your homework.
There is life after divorce. It will be challenging. But it is essential to move forward mindfully and with intention. There is life after divorce. You probably cannot see it yet. You certainly cannot feel it. But it’s there, bigger and better than you can envision, waiting for you.
Only you will know if separation or divorce is right for you. It is not an easy decision to make.
If you are struggling with the decision of whether or not to separate, let us help by alleviating some of the fears and concerns that you may have surrounding separation. We can provide you with legal support so that you can make an informed decision about whether separation is right for you.
Let us help you pave a path forward today.
Call us today on 1300 414 855